I've been finding myself far more irritable lately and its not at all how I want to be. Simple things seem monstrous to me now, cooking, washing dishes, errands. My toddler now more than ever seems to need CONSTANT attention from me. I want support from someone and I grovel at the opportunity for some help....for a breather. Days where Ezykiel doesn't nap are by far the hardest on me because I don't have that hour or two to regroup. That time while he rests has been used lately for me to work on myself physically, mentally and spiritually. When he doesn't want to take that nap I can literally feel my edges fraying by the end of the day. I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and cry just because I feel so overwhelmed and honestly not good enough.
Today I spent the day prepping for New Years and stripping cloth diapers, so Ezykiel actually entertained himself for a lot of the day. He constantly tried to get my attention and being as frazzled as I was trying to balance everything I feel like my voice seemed irritated when I told him to "hold on" for the tenth time or "go play with your trucks."
I feel like he didn't get the attention from me today that he deserves. I'm just thinking about when its time for me to go to work, how will I handle the amount of guilt I will feel personally for not being with him.
On the opposite end of the spectrum I do yearn to have time off. I honestly thought the day would never come because I'm obviously enthralled by my child but I do admit the sound of a breather is nice. My son is 19 months old and I've had all of one day from 10am to 5pm "off" where my mom and my sister watched him. I've also had one movie night for a few hours. But that seriously has been the only time I've ever been away from Ezykiel minus court. I always hear of other parents getting to leave their child for a day date or maybe even over night and sometimes I do feel a twinge of jealousy.
All in all I think I'm just exhausted and desperately wanting some regular me time, as in not once every two years......
