Saturday, November 1, 2014

Stealing Kisses

I'm compelled to write this because it is something that is becoming increasingly present in my life.

Reader Notes:
Toddlers/Children/Babies have just as much emotional depth and capacity as an adult but they are unable to control them.  A huge part of raising children is to teach them how to deal with their emotions in a healthy way.  Its important to understand here that although toddler tantrums and such, can seem very superficial (such as taking away a toy) the emotion that comes with it is very real.  The anger, aggression, upset, despair that they feel consumes them and unlike us adults, they have no idea how to handle it.  The point of this beginning paragraph is to understand that children have feelings too, that they are in fact human beings and should be treated as such.  A good general rule of thumb, is that if you wouldn't appreciate someone doing it to you, don't do it to a baby.  (ie. pinching cheeks)

General Situation
When a child/toddler specifically tells you "no" that they don't want you to pick them up /kiss them/tickle them but you disregard their feelings and do it anyway.  Child obviously, gets increasingly more upset. You find it humorous that the child is upset and decides to continue attempting to steal kisses.

What This Teaches:
1. It confuses them...they no longer get the notion that "no means no." The message they are getting is "no" can sometimes means "yes?" or even rather "No only means no when its said by certain people but not me."  Confusing right?

2.That saying "no" is irrelevant when it comes to an authority figure, parent or family friend, That even if they are uncomfortable, to allow said person to do what it is they want. (I'm sure some of you can see how this can be potentially problematic; if not in the short run than most certainly in the long run.)

3. He is learning that his feelings are not valid.  That rather, adults or people that he looks up to find humor in the very real emotional distress that he is feeling.  This eventually leads to shame.

4. If a parent does not step in to protect the child from the infringing adult, the child learns that the parent must accept and even condone the way their child is being treated.

5. That they don't have the RIGHT to their OWN body and that it is okay for other people to dictate what they can or can not do to you.

My point is that the entirety of the situation completely endorses rape culture.  It teaches children to be compliant to authoritative figures even when they are uncomfortable in the situation.  

I want my child to know that he is the king of his own body and that only he can dictate what can or can not be done to it.  I want him to understand and respect personal boundaries and bodies of other people.  I want him to treat women with respect and to know that one day when he has a wife that he has no authority over her, that she too is her own being.




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Anyway its 2 am in the morning and I'm partially writing this out in frustration so here it goes

I'm going to put this in is as black and white terms as possible and share the heck out of this article.

-If you want affection from my child you are more than welcomed to ask him for a hug or high five or whatever it is.  But if he says no or makes any obvious movement that he does not want to do so, it is NEVER okay to force him.  I don't care if you bent over backwards for him all day and he doesn't want to give you a kiss.  Parenting, grandparenting, coparenting, village parenting is a thankless job some days and requires giving unconditionally.

So please, when I ask you to stop stealing kisses from my child, especially when he is already clearly upset, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm trying to stick up for my kid because at the end of the day no one else will but me.  Don't put me out to be the crazy ass bitchy controlling mother, I'm sticking up for my child who can't stick up for himself when bigger older people are forcing themselves on him and in his face.

I want my child to understand that what he says MATTERS.  That saying "no" really means "no."